On the way to the hospital last Thursday ( yep a week ago) I was so scared for Abbie and thought I might lose her. I have seen enough brain trauma victims to be very scared at what I thought was a LONG seizure. I was in the back seat with her trying not to imagine life without her. The entire time I kept up a running dialogue. It made sense to talk to her - mostly just Mommy's here and Daddy's here and we're in our van - stuff like that. She didn't acknowlegde me the until hours later. It was too scary.
Now here's the faith story:
I played the Jack card and started singing church songs. The only one that came to mind was I'm in the Lord's Army. Abbie was singing it a couple of weeks ago and it was so cute. She couldn't get the words right and we were singing together and Kenny jumped in - great family moment. Well, she wasn't responding to the Lord's Army so I went to Blessed Be the Name. It was the only other song I could think of and both of the kids love it. We crank it on the radio and everybody sings. When your daughter is having a seizure and you're worried about future brain function, singing "You give and take away" is confronting. Would a brain damaged Abbie truly make me thankful to God? Would I choose to say "Blessed be the Name?" Yeah, it went though my mind but I had the dismiss it or go crazy. I figured that the song might reach Abbie right then and I would deal with my own faith crisis later. I hope and pray to be thankful or accepting of the "taking away" but I'm very scared of it.
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful Where Your streams of
abundance flow Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name when I'm found in
the desert place Though I walk through the wilderness Blessed be your name Every
blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise And when the darkness closes in
Lord Still I will say Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord Blessed be Your glorious name Blessed be Your
name when the sun's shining down on me When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be Your name And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering Blessed be Your name You give and take away
You give and take away My heart will choose to say Lord, blessed be Your name
6 comments:
I still struggle daily with the taking away. I am not thankful FOR the taking away, but I try to be thankful despite it (I guess that is the word I am looking for?). Thanks for being so honest about your thoughts and feelings. You have really given me something to think about.
I haven't had enough "taken away" to know what my reaction would be -- but I think scary truth and reality is just what you said. I just don't know, and it would be a LONG road to deal with, I'm sure. The song doesn't say, "you give and take away and I'm thankful", the song says "you give and take away, and still I choose to say blessed be your name". I think that's different (yeah, yeah, I know the Bible, not song lyrics, actually DOES tell us to give thanks in all circumstances). Anyway -- great point and great challenge to us all.
I think as a parent I have grown more in the Lord than with any other role I live. As a wife, mother, friend,.... there are so many ways that we are confronted with our own weaknesses, and hence opportunities to be transformed by the power of Jesus. The role of parent is so precious, as a mother carrying that child, being the caregiver, day in and out, the gift of being a spiritual mentor to our children...all those things bring us to emotions that are completely joined with our kids. Born or unborn. The kink in those emotions that fall to the deepest level in our being is when our kids get really sick, have seizures, or even pass away. It brings you to the crux of your belief and it rips your heart out. It is at that moment or days or months of struggling with the in-bred protection we have for our children and letting God be the one to whom they truly belong. Trusting in His faithfullness, His wisdom, His love and letting go of our own fears for our children, submitting our lives and our children's lives to His care. It is something that has transformed what I thought being a follower of the Way is. It is living in constant submission to God and loving the peace and reassurance from Him. I would have said a couple of years ago none of that would be possible for me but God says he will never let us go it alone and that He will sustain us through trials. Those are the miracles I see before my eyes in people I know, in people who continue living after burying a child, those who continue to find peace after their child is sick. These are the miracles we see everyday. This world is but a drop of water in the ocean one day we can be lifted into a new world filled with no pain, tears, sickness. That is what I hold on to.
Thanks Denise for your heart.
Powerful stuff Denise!
Your- not- so- deep thoughts are getting pretty deep, girl, but non the less I really appreciate them. I love that song too, but had never thought of it in that light. I love the things that everyone has said . . . it definetly is a challenge. It also reminded me of something I read out of Psalms last night "I lay out the pieces of my life on your alter and waite for fire to consume them" (Psalm 5 from the Message) It really stuck in my mind and when I read your blog this morning it was like two pieces of a puzzle. One allows the other to happen more freely- at least for me! Isn't God Amazing in how he lays things out for us! His name truly is blessed!
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