Friday, January 12, 2007

"I'm Gonna Need a Hacksaw"

Some of you know that I'm addicted to this show. Some of you are addicted to this show. Some of you need help getting started - join our addiction!

What show? What show keeps you awake at night wondering who's the next to die? What show will lead to conversation for at least 2 dinners about why the terrorists are so bad and why don't we just bomb them already? What show features not one, but two, African-American presidents? (a little spoiler - hehe) What show features the only TRUE American? Willing to do anything for his country? Maybe even die?

24. That's right. 24. On Fox.

It starts again on Sunday night with a 2-hour premiere. Oh, you'll be at church? You holy people need to tape (or DVR) this. Oh, you have children? You good parents need to tape (or DVR) this, too. This show isn't for children. There's alot of violence (language? I can't remember) and our kids have never seen it.

Jim and I have watched it from the beginning and we've always loved it! I've always said it's like a book that you can't put down and yet, it only lasts 1 hour. If you're afraid you can't start it because so much has gone on - don't worry. All you need to know is that the Chinese have wrongly imprisoned Jack Bauer (our hero) and anyone at any minute could die.

I saw this on a blog and it made me laugh out loud so I'm posting it, too.

Basic Truths About Jack Bauer

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then you better believe it’s beef.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Let’s get one thing straight: the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better do it.

Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.

When Jack Bauer pees into the wind, the wind changes direction.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?

Jack Bauer killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

It took Jack Bauer two minutes to beat a confession out of OJ.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.


Nicole said...

Glen and I can't WAIT to watch on Sunday!! And every Monday for MONTHS!! :) We are huge 24 fans. We started watching it late on DVDs and would literally watch for 12 hours straight - through the night, in the car on trips. We let NOTHING come become us and our Jack!! His voice just happens to be the sexiest voice on the planet!!! (Sorry Glen!!) I can't wait to talk with you about it on Tues!!! :)

Tammy M. said...

I am almost convinced to go and buy the 1st season!

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhhh my goodness that was hilarious..I am emailing that one out to all my fellow 24 lovers.

I have been anticipating this 2 night date w/ Jack for weeks. I can't wait. Prepare yourself...Tuesday will be dedicated to discussing Jack.

Denise W. said...

"Dedicated to discussing Jack" - I love it!! There's something about white day or teaching children but we can let that go! WooHoo!

You do realize that it's 4 hours of Jack before Tues!!

Anonymous said...

I KNOW!! Those poor kids are just going to have to fend for themselves. We'll have MUCH to discuss. What is more important? Children being taken care of...or an in depth discussion on the latest happenings of Jack Bauer? I'm just saying. It is what it is. Can I get an amen?

Melene said...

I love Jack and 24 as well! Over the Christmas break we rented the movie the wild and when I recognized the voice of the lion, at first I said, Hey, That's Jack Bauer!

Nicole said...

I just read these ouloud to Glen and they are SO much funnier (if that's possible) when you read them aloud. Funny stuff Neesie!

Steve Duer said...

I enjoy 24 but have trouble suspending my disbelief that much.

I found the list very funny. Esp. the one about Superman's PJ's

Melene said...

Where in the world was the rest of the show???? At our house anyway, the screen went blank for at least an hour after the show had been on less than 30 minutes.....when I checked on it later they were showing an old season's show! Not happy!

Nathaniel said...

I too was sorely disappointed when I checked to see that I was getting a good signal on my vcr (yes I still live with over the-air-broadcast and vcr tape) and saw only black. This afternoon, I surfed over to and found the following on Abilene's FOX affiliate website

24 Season Premiere Technical Issues:
We are aware that due to the ice storm that hit the Abilene area on Sunday night, the Season Premiere of 24 was not able to be viewed at many households in the Abilene area. We apologize for the inconvenience and are working with the FOX network to try to bring that episode to Air as soon as possible.

Well, that is not very reassuring, so I am currently exploring alternative methods of acquiring the show.